The Green Monster


The Green Monster. She’s a beast. She’s been mine for 8 years or so and at some point we’re going to have to replace her. She’s been so good to us I hate to do it to her but I know all good things must come to an end. Now, in case her outer beauty doesn’t have you swooning, let me give you my sales pitch for her.


I know a car with 200,000+ miles may seem like it’s on its last leg, but don’t be fooled. This old girl is just now hitting her stride. In full disclosure, her stride lets out a bit of a rattle when she’s sitting at a stoplight. I think it’s just her way of letting me know she’s having a good time. It’s a purr, if you will. She’s got at least 100,000 more miles in her before she goes to that big car lot in the sky.


For you moms out there, this is a real treat. The green monster knows how I sometimes long to get away from the monotony of daily child-rearing. I want adventure. I want danger. She understands this about me. So every day when I start her up, her speedometer goes straight to 60….while I’m parked. This way when I’m driving through the suburbs in my green beast of a car, I can look down and think I’m going 100 mph. In my head, I know I’m only going 40 mph, but the Danica Patrick in me believes I’m on a racetrack about to take Turn 2 at 100 mph. Move over Minivan Mom, you don’t want any of this! And for a few blissful moments, I forget I’m a cliché driving a Suburban in the suburbs with my stick family and honor student stickers on the back. Just kidding. The Green Monster has no such stickers. Why mask her beauty?


  So the oil gauge is a bit of an overachiever. Always going above and beyond. I think he tries to make the water gauge look bad because the water gauge just stays in the middle. Oil gauge is always showing off, staying all the way to the right.

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  I sometimes lovingly refer to GM as a “trash can”. My kids have really taken to this nickname for her. Who needs a trash bag in your car when you can just drop your trash any old place you want? Every kid’s dream! When I do tidy her up for guests, I just count it as my workout for the day. It might as well be yoga, the way I have to contort my body to reach some of the wrappers my kids hide in those hard to reach places. Thanks, kids. My body says thank you. They’re always so thoughtful to look out for my well being.


Want to know their favorite way to keep my arms toned? Spilling something sticky and not telling me so the next time I clean out the car I can find it practically cemented to the leather or plastic cup holder. If my arms haven’t told you lately…thanks. The repetitive, hard scrubbing is practically melting away the arm flab.


  So the obvious perks of the trunk are that you could basically live in GM if you decided living in a house is a bit too conventional. By the size of the cooler, you know a mini fridge could reside in the trunk. And even with a mini fridge, it’s roomy enough for any Costco purchases you might need, say 136 juice boxes and 48 packages of goldfish. “Car living” not up your alley? Wanna try coaching a little league team and keeping every bit of equipment in your car? Balls, bats, bags, a tee, the whole nine yards. In this beast of a car, that dream can come true. And as you can tell from this pic, we’ve pretty much succeeded in both…at the same time. Don’t be jealous, we’ve worked hard to achieve this dream. It’s taken hours and hours of neglect. It’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

Now, I know all of you are thinking, “When are you selling this gold mine of a car?” Alas, not for a while, friends, but I can only assume a fierce bidding war will ensue. And as if all the perks of the GM aren’t enough, she’s got a few more snazzy features up her sleeve.


Here’s a little secret…all kids think having a TV in the headrest of a seat is awesome. Nevermind that newer model cars have bigger screens and get access to actual TV shows. That’s beside the point. In GM, there is a TV inside of the head pillow… a little kid’s mind was just blown! And nevermind that the eject button on the DVD player doesn’t exactly work; that’s what 8 year old fingers are for. It develops those fine motor skills. Now if that doesn’t impress you, maybe a peek at a couple of the “custom” features will.


So classy, right?! Some people may feel the chevron duct tape is a bit too flashy. I would not be one of those people. I feel it is just the right amount of “custom” swag my car needs. Why settle for boring silver duct tape when you can have chevron? It’s a no-brainer.

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Whether you call this “custom” or “character” you are right either way. I had an incident a year or two ago where the side panel came a bit loose. So my handy husband decided glue would resolve this problem quickly and easily. Bless. He tried his hardest. When that didn’t work, I may or may not have ripped the siding off with my bare hands (maybe GM’s not the only beast around here, just sayin). So, the yellow crust in the picture is actually dried glue. We think it gives the old girl a “vintage” feel. And in case you missed it, “vintage” is soooo in right now.


This is a neat feature that’s a little hit or miss. I usually park in the garage so I don’t experience it often but it’s always a treat when I do. See, if I happen to leave the car out in the rain, this little sucker collects the rain water. So environmentally conscious, GM! Here’s the treat….if I turn left when it’s full of water, I get a refreshing sprinkle on my legs. I mean does it get any better? Ok, so I know you think it can’t get any better, but I’ve got one last surprise.

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Yes, friends, this happens every time I unlock the car. Green Monster likes to make her presence known everywhere she goes. She knows her value and refuses to be ignored. It also serves to scare the grannies and wake sleeping babies if you’re into that sort of thing. I know this post is like dangling forbidden fruit in front of your eyes. Many of you will have to ask forgiveness for your covetous eyes, just as I have had to repent of my boasting. I just wanted GM to have her day in the sun. So if you see me driving this beast around town, feel free to honk and say hi. If I don’t see you, please don’t take offense, I’m probably in the middle of a rock concert. Did I mention GM is an amazing concert venue? I get Best Vocal Performance pretty much after every song. And if it's Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off", forget about it. Lights out.

Anybody else drive a beast? What are some of its quirks?

(To the clean freaks, I did clean out my car after I took these pics. It was beginning to look like a family of squatters were living there. Sometimes I wish I was OCD about cleanliness. Sigh. Maybe one day.)


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