You're FIRED, October.
(Oh, flip flops, when will I be able to quit you?? #longestsummerever)
You are fired, effective tomorrow. You have performed poorly in the 31 days you’ve been with us. Your job was to bring us cooler temperatures to our scalding summer but no, you chose to go your own way. You teased us with one week of cooler weather then you took it back like a greedy beast. That was hurtful.
We’re tired of your shenanigans, October. Our hope is that your replacement, November, will be more fruitful. We don’t care for April fool’s jokes in the fall. We want to drink pumpkin-y hot drinks in crisp, cool weather. We want to accessorize with cardis and scarves and boots. We want to wear furry slippers and wrap up in blankets at our kids’ football games.
Wanna know what we DON’T want? We DON’T want sweat trickling down our tank tops and into our cut-offs while we sip iced coffee at our kids’ football games. We (the women) want a reprieve from shaving our legs. We want to let our toenail polish chip. We want to wear LAYERS, FOR PETE’S SAKE! So get over yourself, October, you’re never going to be July. People don’t want you to be July. Maybe you’re having some sort of identity crisis, but you better get yourself together by next year. There will be riots in the streets if you pull this crap next year. The people are not amused so it’s time for you to go. Goodbye, October, you have been a complete let down and failed miserably at your job.
**Have you had a chance to order my new book The Forgotten Ornament yet? I know you're kids will love it this Christmas season so make sure you check it out! Just go to the Purchase tab at the top of the page.