The Vacation Allens

Do you become a different person on vacation? Maybe you’re not a different person, per say, maybe just a more restful, relaxed version of yourself. After all, that’s what vacation is for, right? To RELAX, to decompress from real life, to take a break from the rigorous daily routine, to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We work hard for that vacation so we want to enjoy it!


(Those smug rednecks. Look how relaxed they look.)

When our family goes on vacation, we turn into the Vacation Allens. If you’ve never met these Allens, you’re missing out. They are just the most fun. They are up for anything, will wake up extra early for adventure, and they spare no expense. They are easy-going, go-with-the-flow people. They want to pack it all in because they’ve decided they’ll sleep when they’re dead. They haven’t a care in the world, these Vacation Allens.

The only people who hate the Vacation Allens are the Brentwood Allens. They think the Vacation Allens are self-absorbed punks. They’re selfish, they have ALL the fun, and they use the Brentwood Allens credit card to fund it all.


They eat at nice restaurants, not even looking at the right side of the menu, buy all the souvenirs, buy all the entertainment and a month later, the Brentwood Allens are left to foot the bill like a couple of schmucks. What do they think; the Brentwood Allens have a money tree in their backyard? And not only do they leave them to carry the financial burden of all their vacay fun, they also force them to carry the weight. No really, like the actual pounds gained while they feasted on whatever their little hearts desired on vacation. Those Vacation Allens say yes to ALL THE FOOD. Mainly the carbs because screw the Brentwood Allens who try to eat healthy and work out; we’re on VACATION! Bread? YES! Ice cream? YES! Pizza? YES! Chips, salsa, guacamole? YES! YES! YES! The Vacation Allens have zero self-control and have deluded themselves into believing they have the metabolism of a 10 year old with ADHD. It’s pathetic. The Brentwood Allens are left to curse their soft bellies and sausage arms. Thanks a lot Vacation Allens.

I feel bad for the Brentwood Allens always having to pay for the sins of their alter egos. It isn’t fair. But I must say, since we are going on vacation soon, I’m a little giddy for Vacation Court. She is going to have a blast pounding carbs and pretending they don’t affect her body in the least. It’s a blissful time. The backlash will be brutal but Vacation Court will go hard before she goes home. She’s not a quitter. She will eat the last bite/last roll/last piece of cake and will feel zero shame about it. It’s gonna be amazing.

Anybody else have vacation alter egos?


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