First time homebuyers...they're my favorites.
HGTV is quite possibly my favorite network on television. I could leave it on all day and never tire of it. Give me all the home renovation shows and all the house hunters and I could be parked on the couch for hours on end. I mean, I would NEVER do that since I pride myself on always being super productive…but I could. Have I mentioned sometimes I have a tendency to lie?
I do love the precious first time homebuyers. They’re my absolute favorites. Their naïveté is truly endearing. I love the super high maintenance wives with the champagne taste and the beer budget. You’ve seen these episodes. The sweet young couple pulls up to the 3BR 1BA home and the wife looks less than underwhelmed. As she gets out of the car, she whispers to her husband, “I was hoping it would have a little more curb appeal. There’s no front porch and the landscaping is atrocious.” They walk over to meet their realtor whose waiting outside and the wife passive aggressively lets her know this isn’t exactly what she had in mind. The realtor puts on her best smile and encourages them to “keep an open mind” as she shows them inside the house. They walk into the living room. “I mean, this is a pretty good size living space, but I don’t know about the carpet. I was really wanting hardwoods. And what’s the deal with the fireplace? It’s so dated. We’ll have to change that.” The husband just sighs. They mosey 4 feet into the kitchen. The wife immediately gets bent out of shape because the kitchen floors are vinyl and the countertops are plastic. She looks at her husband and says, “Hon, I don’t even know if our kitchen table will fit in here. And what are these countertops? Plastic? And I really wanted a more open floor plan. I mean, how are we going to entertain friends in this tiny space?” The realtor tries to gently tell her, “With your budget, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices.” The wife will not hear of it and the husband tries his best to show her it’s not THAT bad. The realtor takes them to the master bedroom-- it’s small and has a tiny closet and the wife is aghast saying, “This isn’t even enough room for my shoes much less my clothes! Honey, I guess you’re clothes will have to go in another room.” They are taken into the master bathroom and the wife about passes out when she sees it: a SINGLE vanity and a stall shower. “Um, this is not going to work. We can’t even fit in here at the same time to get ready for work. And a single vanity? I was really hoping for separate vanities. And that shower is disgusting. We’ll have to replace that immediately.” What we don’t see is the realtor, off camera, rolling her eyes and texting her friends about how terrible her new clients are. The realtor takes them out the back door to the rickety wooden deck that overlooks some gravel where they would park their cars and a small patch of grass. There might even be a chain link fence if you look closely. “Is this where we’re supposed to park? I was hoping at least for a detached garage back here. This deck looks like it’s about to fall apart and you can’t even fit outdoor furniture here. I was really hoping for some outdoor space to entertain.”
(Side note: Can we talk about this pretend desire to “entertain” that all these couples have? It’s cute that they pretend they’re hospitable and really want to have people over but I don’t buy it. I’ve been a homeowner a long time and I would say I do “like to entertain” but what I’ve come to realize is most people really don’t. Outside of a couple of neighbors and maybe 1-2 family friends, we don’t go to other people’s houses. Maybe it’s my family. Maybe we’re not as fun to be around as I think we are. Maybe everyone’s hanging out without us. Maybe. But I’m willing to bet most people just stay at their own houses and if they want to eat dinner with friends, they go out. I could be wrong on this but it’s just what I’ve experienced. So hearing these couples talk about how they need a humungous kitchen and outdoor living space to “entertain” always makes me giggle. 95% of the time it’ll just be you and your husband eating in your kitchen so I think you’re good, sister. And if we’re going to be REALLY honest, I bet you’ll end up eating in your living room on the coffee table so you can watch TV. I digress)
The realtor smugly takes them back inside and tells them they have a decision to make. They decide on the house that was out of their price range but has more of the things they were looking for like hardwood floors and a garage. The realtor pretends to be excited for them and later (off camera) pops open a bottle of wine to celebrate that she doesn’t have to deal with them anymore. Then she stays up all night praying the inspection is good and the contract doesn’t fall through.
Ah, first time homebuyers. They’re my favorites.